THE WORM'S EYE VIEW: GO FOR THE GOLD

by Beth Maltbie Uyehara     

When it was announced that the 2002 Winter Olympics had been awarded to Salt Lake City, I thought, "Aha! At last, genealogy is being recognized as an Olympic sport." Why else would they have chosen the home of that world-class sporting venue, the Family History Library?  And what better activity could they find than genealogy to demonstrate the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat, the scandal of bad judgment calls, and the pathos of years spent in dogged pursuit of obscure and unremunerated goals?

It was, therefore, a surprise to lean that Salt Lake City had been chosen because of its mountains, ski resorts, fine powder snow, and things of that ilk. Who cares about any of that, when there's one of the world's great genealogical libraries at hand? Like many of you, I'm sure, I watched the Olympics on TV in growing dismay as nary a genealogist hove into view. What a waste of Salt Lake City's finest resource the 2002 games proved to be.

To rectify that omission, I am awarding my own gold medals for the Family History Library's outstanding genealogical performances. Here are my choices for the fastest, longest, and strongest performances in the field. If you disagree with my picks, I will only say in my defense that I am 1/32 French, and this otherwise-proud heritage occasionally causes lapses in judgment.

Here are my categories in competitive genealogy.

 Longest Research Marathon Without a Potty Break

 The individual world record was established in 1992 by a woman from Alaska whose iron constitution (not to mention bladder) allowed her to research for 12 hours continuously, without once leaving her seat at the microfilm reader.
 We salute her!

The Four-Floor Scramble
In 1975, a gentleman from St. Louis established a world record that still stands: He single-handedly kept seats warm and/or microfilm readers humming for 10 hours straight on four separate floors. He accomplished this by combining elevators and stairs, hurling himself downward from the second floor, banking himself off an angle of the staircase and into a corner pocket of the book stacks on the first floor, then leaping up minutes later to careen through the lobby to the elevators to B1 and B2, where his respective microfilm readers were still smoking from his last visit.
 All hail the victor!

The One-Man Lunge 
This was one of the closest contests in competitive genealogical history. The photo finish showed that the winner was a young man from Memphis, who lunged ahead of an elderly lady from Boston to reach the only unoccupied copier on the first floor. There was some concern about his tactics — the Canadian judge felt that kicking the lady's cane from her hand had been unsporting — but in the end, the young man was awarded the gold.
 Cheers and huzzahs!

 The Downhill Fizzle

The world-record deflation of a carefully worked-out pedigree was accomplished in five seconds flat by a researcher from Minneapolis, when she suddenly realized that her ancestor John Smith, born in 1802, could not possibly be the same John Smith who had fought heroically in the Revolutionary War (1774- 1783) and, alas,  she had been researching for 27 years. 
There, but for the grace of God, go we all!

The Fastest Lunch Break
(Ahem) Not to be immodest, but I believe I hold this record, which I established in  1998 when I hid an open bag of crackers behind the vending machine in the lunch room, allowing me, a few hours later, to gallop in, push the more leisurely diners aside, cram my mouth full of crackers and be back in my seat hard at work before the last crumb disappeared down my gullet. 
Hip, hip, hurrah, if I do say so myself!

The Turnstile Hurdle
In her eagerness to get started on her research in the few days allotted for that purpose, a genealogist from Australia leaped and cleared the entry turnstile by a good six inches, only to be nailed in mid-air by a Mormon missionary's flawlessly executed triple-axel flying tackle. This was a double gold- medal-winning performance by both the researcher and the aging missionary, and has permanently inscribed both their names in the record book. 
Let's hear it for two good sports!

"The Combined:"
Greatest Leap of Faith / Skating on Thin Ice (Short Form)
 Working at her laptop, a researcher from Atlanta found an Internet home page that  mentioned an ancestor with a name something like the one she was researching. Hesitating only a moment to glance furtively around, the woman boldly cut-and-pasted the information into her own research notes, and "saved" the information for a perfect landing. 
You go, girl!

Of course, these are only the winter genealogy competitions. Winners of such summer events as clean-and-jerk weight lifting;  Serb, Czech and Pole vaulting; diving off the deep end, etc; will be covered in a separate account.

 And so, as the setting sun casts a golden glow over the Wasatch Range and the trumpets blare the Olympic theme for the last time across the deserted ski slopes, we bid a fond farewell to Salt Lake City — city of mountains, powder snow, courage, inspiration, endurance, faith, hope, and genealogy.